Reconnect with Your Partner

When you first started dating and early on in your relationship, time was most likely spacious.  You had hours on end to connect to one another, it felt easy and free! Then life happened… and you find the need to reconnect with your partner.

You have kids and responsibilities and you find that somehow your connection has made it onto the back burner. The focus on the kids and their schedule makes you miss one another.  You desire to reconnect with your husband or wife, and yet you have no clue where to start.

I hear this all of the time.  The desire to reconnect and then the quick excuse that there isn’t any time!

Prioritize your connection

I’d love to remind you that there is always time for that which is important to you. This means that it is imperative to put reconnecting with your partner towards the top of the list.

The longer you go without doing this, the further apart you will drift.

The good news is that the effort this takes doesn’t have to be time consuming.  A little done consistently can go a long way!

Your partner is a teammate, but perhaps it doesn’t feel this way.  You need support, but you aren’t even sure how to go about even asking for what you need.  Most of us weren’t taught this stuff after all!

Communication to reconnect

Communication is the most important thing we can do, and yet we may have never learned effective ways of doing it.

The most important things we can do in partnership is communicate our needs and how we need those to be met. 

The next thing we need to understand is the needs our partners have are probably going to be the hardest for us to meet.  Most often in meeting our partners needs, our needs are met as well.  Funny and true fact!

Start with supporting one another

Love Languages:

Do you know your love language? Do you know your partner’s love language?

Usually how you give love is also how you like to receive it.  The five love languages are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Act of Service, and Gifts. If your partner has a different love language you may have fallen into the habit of showing them love how you need to receive it instead of how they need to receive it.  Start to learn to speak one another’s love languages instead. There are many resources and even free quizzes online that can help you learn what your love languages are and ideas on how to express these to the one you love.

Meeting each other’s core needs:

One of my favorite things to do with a couple is create a couple bubble.  This is a safe container for your relationship to thrive. How to get started?

Think about the qualities you most need in your connection.  Perhaps it’s more help around the house, more care, perhaps you need to feel more security or safety.

To start, choose the top three qualities that are most important to you. 

Schedule a time to sit down and discuss your top needs with one another. Consider when you need to feel this support, and how you would like to receive this support.  Based off of what you learn, together make agreements around each quality and how partner will honor your request. Once you and your partner are doing this with ease around your top three qualities, you can add more to the mix.

Weekly Meetings:

Schedule a time once a week to sit down and reconnect with your partner.  This is a time to discuss anything coming up for you in life, talk about your finances, check in on things with your kids, and see how your agreements are going and if you need to tweak any of them.  

(Checkout my blog on reducing overwhelm for tips on how to ask for help.)

How to connect

Connection doesn’t have to take a long time.  There are fun ways you can do this very quickly throughout the day.

Fun fact, these connection activities has the extra benefit of co-regulating and attuning your nervous systems.  This creates a sense of safety in the connection which allows for deeper intimacy.

The most important thing is to be committed to doing it!

Here are a few of my favorite ways…

Hug to Relax: When you are getting ready to leave for the day, or when you come back together, this is an easy and wonderful way end and start your time together.

Enter a nice long hug.  Hold one another and settle into the breath.  Take nice deep breaths.  Sync your breath together.  Do this until you feel your shoulders drop and your nervous system settle.

Eye Gazing: Settle into a seated position about 1 foot apart.  Start to gaze into one another’s eyes.  This is easier with practice and remembering to breathe helps immensely.  Simply gaze into each other’s eyes and allow whatever is there to be there.  Sometimes there is laughter, sometimes tears, just stay with it.  Suggested time for this exercise is between 2-5 minutes.

What can I offer you:  Take turns giving and receiving in this process.  Decide who is receiving first. The giver will ask “what can I offer you right now” the receiver will feel into their body and honor what is there.  Perhaps they need words of affirmation, a massage, to be held, etc..  Every 30 seconds the giver will check in again asking what they can offer. It may be the same or it may change.  Do this for 5-10 minutes and then switch roles.

Enjoy the journey

Relationships take consistent effort and work.  You chose your partner because you wanted to do life with them.  You both deserve the presence and care that comes from feeling supported and connected.  

The bonus of focusing on your connection to the one you love is that you show your kids what is possible.  They watch everything we do and learn how to relate from us.

Start practicing these exercises today and watch your relationship begin to flourish in new, fun, and deeper ways. Reconnecting with your partner is possible.

Enjoy the journey and don’t forget to have fun while you are at it!

Guest blog post written by:

Erin Berry, Relationship and Intimacy Coach

Connect with Erin on her website and Facebook.