I Don’t Understand my Teenager

Have you ever had a conversation with your teenager and realize that you are actually on two different planets? You thought the situation was fairly straight forward and then they drop something on you out of nowhere? And you think to yourself, How is it that after living together for this many years, I still don’t understand my teenager? And how the heck do they not understand me?!

Well, you’re not alone. Your teen has been growing rapidly both physically and emotionally, and the lens they are looking through is constantly changing. Something may feel normal and typical one day and a few months later it seems to no longer makes sense to them. And because you’re a busy mom, already feeling a little overwhelmed and disconnected, their response floods you with confusion and frustration.

Checkout my previous post for more insight on teen moodiness.

What is my teen talking about?

In our over busy lifestyle combined with our teens growing independence, we can miss those little shifts in thinking. And it can have us rethinking ourselves, as the Mom. In the whirlwind of daily tasks and commitments we not only loose touch with our kids, but it’s easy to lose touch with ourselves. The combination inadvertently affects our ability to connect with our kids the way we want.

What I see in my practice is that Moms loose sight of what’s important to them. They get away from their core values which leads to feeling out of alignment, disconnected and frustrated. This combination of feelings leads to just going through the motions instead of being present and showing up authentically. Not only are you constantly doubting yourself with thoughts of Why don’t I understand my teenager?, but your teen is likely confused about what you want, as well. Once you get clarity on your values and lean into them, you’ll have a better appreciation for what makes you happy and how to communicate those needs with their loved ones.

Finding your values

When I talk about values, it’s not about right and wrong. It’s about the things that drive you at your core. If you’ve never gone through a values discovery process it will be very eye opening! It goes back to the impactful memories and relationships in your life, good and bad.

Self-connection doesn’t stop once you’ve identified your core values. It should be an ongoing exercise to ensure that you are aligned with those values in how you spend your time and your energy. It means taking time for personal reflection and self-care. When you are connected to yourself, you gain a better understanding of your emotions, needs, and desires. This self-awareness enables you to communicate more effectively with your kids and build a stronger foundation for a meaningful relationship.

Connecting with your teen

Find time most days to check in with your teen. Don’t make it event driven. For example, don’t seek them out when you’re frustrated that the chores weren’t done. Give them a warning to start. When they get home from school and you have your initial greetings say something like, “Can we have a quick chat later? Nothing major, I just want to catch-up with you.” When you connect, make it non-confrontational and let them know you’re listening. It’s during these moments that you can listen actively, provide emotional support, and show genuine interest in their life, which helps create a sense of security and trust.

It’s important to ensure you are in a good place before the conversation. By staying aligned with your values this will be easier and allow our relationship to be easier. Over time the chats will become more natural and more ad hoc.

Balance for connection

Being a busy mom doesn’t mean sacrificing connection with your children. By understanding your core values, focusing on self-connection and nurturing your own well-being, you can build deeper, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Go from I don’t understand my teenager to I have a greater understanding of myself and how I can support my teen. Balancing personal needs with parenting responsibilities empowers you to be your best self, benefiting both you and your family. If you want my best tips on how to create more balance in your life, you can download my free guide.