Where Did My Friends Go?

You’re busy raising a family and building a career and when you look up, ask yourself Where did my friends go? Does this sound familiar?

As soon as you become a Mom, your whole focus changes. Instead of planning time with friends you’re thinking about what your kids need, where do they need to be and when will you be able to sleep again. As your family matures and your kids are more self sufficient, you start to have more breathing room. But often the friends you had are no longer around. Maybe they moved away, their kids are now in different activities or friends circles, or you now just have different interests. We know finding authentic female friendships promotes positive mental wellness for women, but it’s not always easy.

Mel Robbins discussed this topic recently on her podcast and I wanted to share some of my biggest takeaways.

Friendship isn’t always forever

First, I want to say that it’s okay to grow apart from friends. It’s natural. You’ve likely watched your kids navigate different friend groups as their interests changed, and it’s no different as adults. We’re always evolving (or we are if we want to be fulfilled) and we may evolve and grow in different ways. That doesn’t mean you don’t love and appreciate those people or them you. It just means that you can’t support each other in the way you used to. Be grateful that they were in your life and look forward.

As Mel discusses, creating friendships requires cultivation. Planting seeds and nurturing them into a beautiful flower. You can’t just wait for friends to appear. You have to be intentional about creating them. And I love the concept that Friendship is a verb. YOU have to make it happen. Yes, but how?

Be a Friend

A few of the ideas Mel talks about are very simple. If you’re waiting in line for coffee, for example, compliment the person behind you. Compliment their nails, their hair, their shoes. Say something positive that will make them feel good. Of course you want to be genuine, but the idea is to strike up a conversation that pulls them in. Most people love to talk about themselves so start there.

You might find out they’re new to town and are looking for friends, too. Or that they also play pickleball or their kid goes to the same school as yours. Find connection by starting with harmless small talk. When you do find something that you connect on, be vulnerable and ask if you can meet up again. Maybe for another cup of coffee, to play pickleball or as a sounding board about teachers or schoolwork. Get her phone number & take a selfie so that you can remember what she looks like! Most people love it when someone asks to take their picture (unless they’re a teenager, of course).

Real friendships

Being vulnerable creates connection. I’m not suggesting you share your life story with the person behind you in line, but laugh at yourself and share that with your new friends. Knowing others do stupid things, too, can help you solidify your connection. No one is perfect and perfection is difficult to relate to. Showing that you are human allows others to feel more relaxed and comfortable around you and is what helps create long lasting connections. So be real, not Instagram fake. Otherwise you’ll be once again asking, Where did my friends go?

Friendship circle

This one may sound intimidating but the idea is to invite people in. In Mel’s podcast she talks about coffee shop gatherings and how you can just invite people to show up. The first time it might just be one person and attendees might come and go. As you’re consistent, you become the one facilitating connection. People are showing up for you, but also creating friendships with others. You’re cultivating space for others to be themselves and reconnect with what they need.

This one really speaks to me. I picture the concept of Cheers, but in a coffee shop. Friends coming and going, laughs, tears, warmth and smiles all around. I’ve just organized this in my area. I can’t wait to see where it goes!

Check out my previous post if you’re looking for more ideas on how to make new friends.

Lonely maybe, but not alone

The fact that enough people are struggling with this that there are podcasts about it means you’re not the only one. A lot of people asking, Where did my friends go? There are other incredible women out there looking for authentic friendships. They may be looking for you.

If you’re looking for more balance so that you can show up the way you want in your friendships, download my free guide.