Communicating with your teen can feel like a stroll in a mind field. Hormones are raging, emotions are running high, and nothing is coming out right. And that’s just you! It goes double for them. We know our teens still need us, but they’re not telling us what they need. So how do you understand what they need, and how do you communicate what you need so that you don’t loose your sanity and they learn the skills they need to become a functioning adult on their own?

It’s an art. It’s subject to interpretation by the other party, so leave your assumptions at the door. But, there are skills you can practice to feel less like you’re playing telephone and be more connected to each other’s needs.

They don’t interpret what I’m saying the right way, how do I know when they want me around?

My teen knows everything

Yeah, mine, too. What they actually mean when they say I know! (insert eye roll), is You’ve already told me.

What they don’t really have figured out is how or when to do the thing. So instead of repeating it for the 200th time, try acknowledging their ownership and agreeing on a check-in timeframe.

For example, “Hey, I know you’ve got a handle on the thing, and I want to support you but not annoy you. Is there anything you need in order to do the thing?” Let them respond. Then, “Can I check back in on Monday and see if there is anything you need help with?” In this situation, you’ve acknowledged their feelings, given them ownership and agreed to an update timeframe. Treating them like any other human you interact with goes a long way.

How do I know my teen is OK?

I had a friend whose son made the varsity baseball team as a sophomore, but wasn’t getting much playing time. She was concerned that he was unhappy about it and wanted to support him but didn’t want him to feel bad by asking.

In a case like this you can ask an indirect question to try and understand if and where they need you. Here are some examples: How’s the varsity team coming together? What are varsity practices like? How are the varsity team practices different than the JV practices? In their answers, you should be able to glean how they’re feeling about their situation and determine if you need to dig further.

Follow on questions/statements might be something like: It sounds like you’re really enjoying being on that team. Or, I’m getting the sense you’re frustrated. Do you want to tell me more about that? This approach is much more likely to increase connection rather than you making assumptions that could result in defensiveness.

Remember, communicating with your teen doesn’t always have to be verbal. A hug, pat on the knee or a quick back scratch can be a simple way to reduce any perceived tension and allow conversation to flow more easily.

Do they want me around?

That sounds like a loaded question. But it can be tough to know if they want you around and want to chat or just want to be left alone. Instead of trying to guess, just to ask. Identify what you’re noticing and ask if they want to talk about it, or about anything, or not. Again, the more you treat them like another human, the more they will respond like one. And when they want to be left alone, honor that. They’ll be more likely to come to you when you respect their boundaries.

Communicating with your teen can be frustrating at times, but it’s important to be patient. Allow them to express their feelings and opinions, even if you don’t agree with them, but also allow them to keep things to themselves if they’re not ready to talk. They need your guidance and support but don’t always know what that looks like, so just being available to them is always a good start. Checkout my previous post on Understanding my teenager for more wisdom on parenting teens.