Have you seen those social media rants from women who are overwhelmed and frustrated that no one in their household helps them out? That they have to do everything. They plan it all, shuttle the kids around, do the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning and are resentful that there isn’t even a little bit of appreciation? I get it. As women, we tend to take on the burden of making sure everyone gets what they need, gets to where they need to be and that they have the best experiences.

Forty-seven percent of mothers surveyed are primary income earners, meaning they contribute more than half of their household’s income. 50%…still handle a majority of the household chores…<and> almost half (48%) are the family financial planner, meaning moms pay all the bills and manage the household finances.

State of Motherhood survey

So, you’re not imagining it. But, have you ever asked for help? Not in a crazy, melt down “Why doesn’t anyone ever contribute around here!” kind of way. But in a specific and well-thought out manner? If not, you might be enabling your family’s lack of help.

Enabling or Empowering

Our tendency as women to lift up our family and support them is also often the root of overwhelm. We want to be the perfect mom, but also want our own life. However, the way in which we provide that support can make a significant difference in whether it is truly empowering them to take the action you want them to take, or enabling them to do something else.

Enabling overwhelm

Enabling someone means providing them with assistance or support that allows them to continue in a negative or unhealthy behavior or situation. This can happen unintentionally, such as when we want to avoid conflict or feel guilty that our kids might miss out on something, or intentionally, when we feel like we are responsible for someone else’s happiness or success.

For example, if your teenager sighs and cops an attitude every time you ask her to empty the dishwasher, it might be easier to just empty it yourself. Or maybe, although you both work full-time, your partner enjoys his hobbies on the weekend while you clean up the house. You might enjoy seeing him happy and might also feeling guilty if you asked him to stay home and help clean so that you have time to enjoy yourself, as well. However, this is what causes resentment because no one offered to help (they almost never will) and you become overwhelmed by having to do everything yourself.

Empowerment is the real value

On the other hand, empowering someone means helping them to recognize their own strengths and opportunities to contribute. In the context of helping out at home, this first requires that you assess the things that you want help with and then ask for it, in a calm and collaborative way. It might also mean encouraging your family members to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions.

In my house, the only thing my teenagers aren’t qualified to help with are the finances. Otherwise, they are capable of doing everything I can do. And I’m not afraid to ask them. When I start feeling overwhelmed, after a quick break, that’s the next thing I do. Start delegating.

Additionally, when they have a problem that needs solving, I don’t allow them to drop it on my lap, but encourage them to take the lead. I support them and provide guidance, but I don’t take on what is theirs to own. Not only would it increase my burden, but it would rob them of the learning that comes with figuring it out themselves.

You don’t have to do everything

If you want let go of half of the things on your to-do list, frustration and resentment included, then stop deciding that you have to do everything. Look at what you can delegate, let go of the outcome and stay out of the way. You will feel less overwhelmed and your family might finally understand what it is you want from them.

If you’re curious what emotion you lead with and how that might impact your interactions with your family take my free quiz to find out.