I never expected that understanding my teenager would be so complicated. There are the emotional ups and down, battles over simple things and them doing the exact thing you warned them about with the exact result. It can be infuriating, joyful and confusing all in the same day. And to top if off, they don’t understand any of it either! So don’t ask your teen “What were you thinking?” There will never be a satisfactory answer for either of you.

Listen to Understand

I hear this all the time. I don’t understand my teenager. I know they need me, but I don’t know how to help. When our kids are struggling, and most teenagers are in any given week, our first reaction is to jump into problem solving mode. Did you try this? Have you thought about that? Let’s fix it! It’s our nature to want to help our teen and make everything better.

Often the best way to help your teen is to listen. Let me repeat that. When your teen is having a tough day or week and wants to tell you about it, don’t ask questions, just listen. You will learn and understand a lot more about your teen by staying quiet. Empathize non-verbally, and listen. Even if they did something totally stupid that makes you mad, just listen. In most cases, they feel stupid and not good enough and your rage isn’t going to help anything. It will likely cause them to shut down.

For more insight on your leading emotion and how that factors into your interactions with your teen, take my free quiz.

Guide your teen

You’ve given them a safe non-judgmental place to share. Great job! Now what?

Ask them about their next step and what they need from you. Allow them to take the lead with you as their guide. Questions like: What are you going to do next? What do you need from me? Can I give you a hug? Let them respond to each question and own the situation rather than you trying to take over the problem from them.

When you allow them to lead, they will be more open to your guidance. But don’t force it. Be available so that they see you as a comforting and trusting place to come the next time. Sometimes this means staying up way past your own bedtime, but those late night chats can be some of the best.

Checking in with your teen

Now that your teen is working through their issue(s), let them. Our Mom tendencies want to know how it’s going, what they’ve tried and how they’re feeling. Instead of asking them daily, agree on a check-in window. Once they’ve shared their plan, ask Can I check in with you in a couple of days to see how things are going? And honor however they respond.

By giving them space, you’re showing them that you trust and believe in them. Your trusting support will increase their confidence and the likelihood that they will confide in you again. And while you will never know everything about your child, you will be that much closer to feeling more connected to and understanding your teenager.

Take a look at my previous post for more tips on optimizing your relationship with your teenager.