Setting Boundaries

Set Yourself up for Joy

With the holidays upon us you may be getting excited to get together with your family and friends, or you might be more anxious. Or it could be both, depending on which gathering and who’s invited. We’ve all had situations where someone doesn’t respect our boundaries and it can ruin the whole day. The more intentional you are about setting boundaries, the more in control you can be about how you feel and how much you enjoy the day.

Consider the following to not only help you survive those encounters, but to actually enjoy the holiday festivities even more this year.

Do You Know Where the Line is?

If you’re looking for others to respect your wants and needs, you first need to know what you’re ok with. And what you’re not. Otherwise, there’s just an uncomfortable feeling without words to back it up. Have you sat down and thought about who you are and what really matters? Do you know your core values and why those are important to you? I love helping clients discover their values and seeing how it empowers them to communicate their boundaries and increase understanding in their relationships.

If you haven’t done that work yet, but still want to reduce the holiday angst, a good place to start is to think about past encounters. What happened? Why did that bother you? Why is that so important to you? Inspecting the past beyond the emotions will give you words to describe your feelings that you can use to diffuse future issues.

You can use this information to redirect conversations when they start to head into the danger zone or, if needed, explain why you’d rather not discuss a topic. Understanding your triggers ahead of time enables you to be more clear and proactive, rather than emotional and reactive.

If you’re curious which emotion you lead with you can take my free quiz to find out.

Directly Communicating your Boundaries

Depending on the relationship, you might want to reach out to an individual who has been the source of frustration before the gathering to try and head off any potential conflicts. For example:

Hi, Joe. I’m looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. I know we’ve had some uncomfortable moments in the past and wanted to share something I’ve learned about myself so that maybe we can avoid those this time.

If they’re open to listening then you can explain:

X is really important to me because of Y. When you say Z it makes me feel immature/uncomfortable/undervalued/, etc.

The other person may not realize where your boundaries are or how their actions are impacting you or to what extent.

Be careful not to point the finger at them as in “you make me feel….” Instead talk about how you feel in response to something they said or did like worded above. If you can’t have that kind of conversation with the person directly, maybe you can talk with someone else who can or who will be at the gathering also and can help keep the peace.

Ask for Help

Whether you’re the hostess or someone who offered to help with a gathering, it can be stressful if you don’t feel you are getting to enjoy the gathering itself. This could lead to resentment, especially when no one else is offering to help. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for it.

I host Thanksgiving every year, but I recruit each of my immediate family members to contribute. My husband usually makes the turkey and gravy, one son generally makes a pie or two and the other mashed potatoes. I might even ask one of them to iron the tablecloth the day before. And if someone asks to bring something, I always say Yes. Even if you’re particular about how you want your meal to look and taste, things like rolls, cranberries, another pie or flowers would be great items for a guest to bring and can take one more thing off your list.

If you’re not hosting, but offered to help the hostess, you can still ask others to chip in. Getting everyone involved can be more fun and guests are often open to requests on the spot. Most are willing to be in charge of beverages when others arrive, clear dishes or entertain the children who are looking for your undivided attention.

No is an Option

You can always say No. No to hosting, helping or even attending an event you just aren’t up for. I know the holidays are supposed to be about about spending time with and giving to others, but sometimes it’s just not your season. And that’s ok. I do suggest you at least think about the request or invitation before blurting out a No, as the gathering may actually be good for you. If you still want to decline, the people who care about you will generally understand and respect your boundaries, especially if you are open about your decision.

Boundaries Beyond the Holidays

While this message talks about the holidays, you can use these tools any time. The first step is to understand what is important to you and why, and then authentically show up that way. Communicating your needs and following up in your actions consistently, will help others understand where they fit and how they can support you.

If you are interested in exploring your values and how you can use them to communicate your needs, I would love to help. More information on my coaching services is available here.