Want Your Teenager to Show Respect?

I get no Respect

Being a Mom of a teenager is hard. Harder than people let on in public. And at the core if it, we just want our teenager to show us respect. We want to know that they see all of our hard work and love in the name of their happiness. But here’s the thing, respect goes two ways.

Our role as a parent evolves quickly as our child starts becoming old enough to make their own decisions, have their own opinions and grow into the adult they will one day be. We need to see and treat them as a human capable of doing those things and not as a child who needs constant protection. They have moved into the driver’s seat, possibly literally, as well as, figuratively, and our job now is to guide them and respect their needs and desires, and let go of the needs and desires we have for them.

More on teen brain development and their behavior here.

But I’m The Parent

I get it. We have toiled and suffered at our own expense to get our kid to where they are. Doesn’t that count for something? Yes and No.

Let’s look at the definition of Respect <v>: 1) To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem or admire. 2) To avoid interfering with or intruding upon. 3) To avoid violating.

How often does your interaction with your teen or tween meet this definition? If the answer isn’t almost always, then it’s likely your child doesn’t feel that you respect them. Ouch!

4 Tips to Show More Respect to your Teenager

Yup. It starts with you. You’re the adult. When you model the respectful treatment you want, your teen will start to reciprocate. Now don’t expect miracles overnight, it takes time to build trust for behavior change, so give it time. And remember, they are still a teen so you’ll still get glimpses of the bratty attitude, so focus on progress.

Consider these four ideas:

• Demonstrate a willingness to listen to your teen patiently and openly so that they feel heard. When they are sharing, don’t ask a bunch of questions. Just listen.
• Honor their requests as valid. You don’t have to comply, but explain why you can’t. If possible, offer an alternative that will still address the reason behind their request.
• Praise your teens efforts and good intentions, no matter the result. We know things don’t always go as we envision. Your teen has less experience than you do and needs the mistakes to help them learn and problem solve.
• Acknowledge to your teen that some conversations are hard and that they may not go perfectly. Ask for their willingness to work through them together as you respect each other’s needs and perspectives.

This approach will let your teenager know that you see them and that you want to partner with them to help them become the person they’re meant to be. They are the main character in their story and need to start taking ownership of that. And you need to let them.

Does this sound easier said than done? I help moms navigate this shift and improve the relationship with not only their teenager, but with themselves. More on what that might look like here.

If you’re trying to understand your moody teenager and finding yourself frustrated, read my blog on how you can understand them better.